First time meets are far from neat
25 Sep 2026
Person A meets Person B. It’s the first time they’ve met face-to-face and they immediately hit it off. Both take time to listen to each other. Their body language is open. Both are genuinely interested to learn and appreciate what the other person has to say. They’re grateful for the questions and each other’s interest.
Works inconsistently. An hour later, Person A meets Person C for the first time and it’s super awkward. They ask questions, they appear interested, they listen. Yet nope, it ain’t happening. The conversation is colder than a penguin’s picnic. Right now, these two haven’t hit it off. How is this so? It’s fascinating how this can happen.
We could extrapolate this to several more scenarios and introduce group dynamics. It might be interesting to play out what else could happen during these first time meets. However, trying to make sense of the complexities of human connection is, well, complex.
Volatile variables. Consider the following variables when two people meet: Situation, environment, time of day, energy levels, neurodiversity, power dynamics, physical appearance, unconscious biases, cultural background, societal norms, emotional state, speech/voice, language, plus more. These variables can have a profound impact on a first time meet.
Dale Carnegie’s 1936 seminal work “How to Win Friends and Influence People” has spawned several thousand self-help books, articles and videos on how to meet people and build instant connection.
Except the acceptance. Yet what’s often missed is the concept of acceptance. Acceptance that there are some people we will have an instant connection with and some people we will not.
A reminder. To accept is not to surrender. Acceptance is deliberate and active, not resigned. It's letting thoughts and feelings exist without letting them control us. We could spend many hours trying to be liked by everyone or attempting to like everyone we meet for the first time. The sooner we accept this futile exercise the better. We can always have the courage to be disliked.
Here comes the mirror. Meeting people for the first time is a tool to observe our unconscious biases. How often do we judge someone when we first meet them? What if we put our judgements aside? Why so preachy, Simon? That’s easier said than done, we’re only human! Indeed, putting our judgements aside is like teaching those penguins at the picnic to paddle board. Remember those variables?
Planned participant. Yet being part of a tech community is a wonderful thing even with those variables. A tech community provides us with many opportunities to grow. It’s a place to experiment. And if you’re fortunate to attend in-person meet-ups and conferences, you’re gonna meet people for the first time. With the advice of Carnegie et al we can meet someone without judgement … and see what happens. Accept whatever the outcome, connection or otherwise.
Try this community confidence activity
Ask the following questions when you meet someone for the first time at an in person event, such as a conference:
- How’s the food?
- What brings you here?
- What have you enjoyed so far?
- What are you looking forward to?
- Where have you travelled from to be here today?
As your confidence grows, try asking one of these:
- You ok if I take a selfie?
- Who would you like to meet?
- What are some exciting things you’re working on right now?
- Have you met [name of awesome person in the vicinity]? I think you should meet them. [attempt to make an introduction].
If someone is by themselves, ask if it’s ok to interrupt and if they’re good to chat. They might be gathering their thoughts or energy, taking notes, trying to find headspace or something else.
Simon Tomes
Community Lead at MoTaverse
he/him
Hello, I'm Simon. Since 2003 I've had various roles in testing, tech leadership and coaching. I believe in the power of collaboration, creativity and community. 🎓 MoT-STEC qualified. I get real joy working with and supporting our wonderful MoTaverse community.
“Thanks for making me feel so confident about myself.” | “I'm so grateful for all you do in the MoTaverse community, I learn so much as a result!” | “A simple chat with Simon in person absolutely changed everything.” | “Simon is one of the best people that I've ever met to have conversations with. He's so grounded in his way of thinking and articulates his thoughts so well and his feelings and his knowledge about community and everything.”
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